It’s been over two months since I have written. It’s been over two months because the last two months have been the most tragic I pray that I will ever experience. We lost our baby girl on April 14, and on May 16, my best friend lost hers. There are no words to describe a pain such as this. And how can two best friends, who were so excited to be pregnant together and have two little girls, who we would hope would grow up to be best friends as well, both lose their babies in a matter of a month? I can ask why every day for the rest of my life and never get the answer. I’ve heard the words “my world came crashing down” and never knew what they really meant. I do now.
On April 8 my husband and I went in to the doctor’s office for our 20 week ultrasound. We were so excited and not nervous in the least bit (except that they might tell us it was a boy and not a girl!) Toward the end, the ultrasound tech told us that she could not get a good view of the heart and needed the baby to move. She asked us to return later that day. We went to lunch and, after final conformation that she was indeed a girl, we went to register. At 1:00 we got back to the doctor’s office. My friend, who was 8 months pregnant, also with a girl, sent me a text to tell me she was on the way up to the doctor’s office because her ob thought there was a problem. She met us in the waiting room and we chatted and laughed until we were called back. The doctor sent her home assuring her all was well.
My husband and I went back into the exam room. Shortly after, the doctor came in. His first words were “I want to talk to you about a couple of things that are concerning me.” My heart hit the floor. All I could do was listen and stare. He showed us several ultrasound images and told us what he was looking at. All I could think was “what does that mean?” I wanted to shout it at him! My heart was racing and I was trying to keep from crying. He told us he would give us a minute and we could meet in his office. He closed the door and I lost it! I still didn’t know what any of it meant but I felt it was bad, really bad. Once in his office he explained to us that our baby had severe spina bifida and very little brain development. We were told that she more than likely would not survive long after birth, and if we chose to deliver her, I could be at risk. He gave us our options and we had to make a decision. How could this be? I was in complete shock! It is one of those things that you wouldn’t expect in a million years!
I chose to be induced instead of having surgery because I wanted to hold my baby girl and see her. I didn’t want to be put to sleep and wake up and it would all be over. On April 14th Cadence was born. We held her and talked to her. We wrapped her in blankets and loved her. We had her cremated and will always keep her close. She is my daughter. My Angel.
My friend was scheduled to have a c-section on April 29th. I went up to the hospital excited to see her new little girl. After just losing mine, I was nervous but knew I would still love her and be incredibly happy for my friend. Baby Mia was born that evening but I didn’t get the chance to see her. She was having problems with her lungs and was taken to the NICU immediately after she was born. Shortly after, in the middle of the night she was flown by helicopter to another hospital with a higher level NICU for intensive care. Sunday morning, I finally got to see her and she was beautiful, but it was also very scary. She was sedated and hooked up to so many wires and machines. The machines were keeping her alive. Everyone was so worried, but we knew she would be ok. She was fighting hard. My friend was by her side every day. She talked to her and sang to her. One night I went to see them, and I watched my friend ready her baby girl a bed time story. In that moment I could feel all the love she had for her and realized how strong she was. My heart ached that she had to watch her baby fight so hard for her life. Mia lived for 17 days. She passed away peacefully in my friend’s arms. I never expected that call. Mia will aways be remembered by so many. My friend will always love her with all of her heart. She is her daughter. Her Angel.
I pray that our girls are still best friends as we hoped from the beginning. I pray they are in heaven playing together and watching over us. My friend and I will always be there for each other even though we may not always know how to do that or what exactly to say, we will be there; and we have so many wonder friends and family who have been and will continue to be there for us. I have learned how precious life is from all of this. I have heard it so many times before, but it can take a certain circumstance to give those words the meaning they deserve. Life is precious. I hope that one day my friend and I will be holding two healthy babies and watching them grow. Always remembering the ones we lost.
Sorry, I had to!
I really think there are some days that my kids forget to talk. From the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed, every sound out of their mouths is whining!! No matter how calm I remain or how much I try to ignore it, it continues. Most of the whining happens in the mornings when I’m trying to get them ready for school. “I don’t want that cereal,” ” I can’t get dressed,” ” I can’t put my socks on,” ” I can’t find my shoes,” “I hate school!” I could go on and on and on and on. One of them was whining so much one morning that my other son said to me “Mom, I can’t hear Spongebob over all that whining!” By the time I finally get through it all and get them to school I am beat! Whining just kicks the crap out of me! I feel like I literally fought a battle all morning. I’ve read all those parenting books that tell you how to have perfectly well-behaved children, but the reality is I have yet to find one of those books that actually works or is realistic enough for me to follow. My kids aren’t bad they just annoy me sometimes. Don’t pretend like yours don’t! Kids whine. Plain and simple. Now, what would really impress me is something for moms that would just block out the noise! Parent’s magazine suggests that the best way to deal with whining is to empathize with your child. I suppose in some cases this would work, but come on, I just can’t empathize with “I can’t put my socks on,” from a 5 year old! That’s just whining with a cherry on top!!
The following link is to an article that talks of a study done that leads researchers to believe that whiny children grow up to be more conservative adults. Although the results aren’t very strong, if this is true, then my kids ought to be right up there with Mother Teresa!
I can’t tell you how many times a day I must say that to my kids. My to do list is never ending – as every mother’s is. This is such a huge part of my problem. That never ending to do list causes me so much anxiety! The house is never clean enough – or clean at all, the laundry is never finished, and there are ALWAYS and forever things that need to get done. I need to stop and think about this. How important are those little things on the to do list? Sure, part of being the perfect mother and wife is having a perfectly clean house at all times and having dinner on the table every night on top of spending time with the kids, taking them to preschool, picking them up from preschool, running errands, grocery shopping, making lunch and snacks, looking our best all the time (ha!), and all of the other little things that need to be done each day!! (sheew!) Not to mention, I also am in school full time so throw that on top too! Yet, after all I do all day long I still get so mad at my house if there are toys on the floor at the end of the day. I am a stay at home mom and I feel that it is my job to keep the house clean and put dinner on the table. If I don’t have these things done, I feel that I have failed at my job. I find it bothers me to the point that when I’m trying to spend time with my kids, I find it hard to enjoy that time with them because I am so worried about all the other stuff I need to do or should be doing! I’m missing the quality time because I’m just not all there. My mind is somewhere else. On something that is just not important. But in reality all that other stuff is not my job. My title is not stay at home cleaner and cooker. It is stay at home MOM! I have to think about what my kids (and myself) are going to remember when they get older. Will we remember the house was a little messy sometimes? That the laundry baskets sat in the bedrooms for a few days before they got put away? Or will we remember our time together? The games we played and things we laughed about. Today, for probably one of the first times, that I can remember, I let the to do list go. I made popcorn and sat down with my boys and watched a movie. I was relaxed. I wasn’t anxious about the dirt on the floor or the dishes in the sink. I truly enjoyed a moment with them. I need more of these moments and I need to remind myself each day what should really be number 1 on that list!! Those kids! That list can make us forget to cherish the moments that are going to fly by. I don’t want to be the mom who looks back one day and can only see what I missed out on!